They say some people have it in them………….. the others just don’t. As if by some genetic predisposition, some are destined to do it while others………. Well, others go ahead and do something productive.
Logically I should be in the second category; I’ve never had this terrible urge……… (They say it is like giving birth………. It just comes out of you even if you don’t want it to ……..)
Creative agony equals pain involved in childbirth. It’s an interesting thought…. It definitely is.
Now, don’t start getting any perverted ideas. I’m referring to the feeling of undeniable and unstoppable urgency to let some loose letters flow through the tip of your ball point pen to form interesting patterns we call words; or may be in these times we can substitute the ballpoint pen with the little black keys of your notepad.
Me………I’m just too lazy to go through the trouble. If a thought crops up in my mind, I make a mental note to note it down somewhere and quite promptly, even while making the note forget quite conveniently what was it that I wanted to note down. I’m not obsessive compulsive about digging up those notes either.
I do read, but irregularly and definitely not in any orderly fashion. I’m not up to date with the latest literary happenings or dos. I don’t have a preferred kind of author either.
I read both ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’ and ‘Das Capital’; ‘Origin of species’ and ‘The Bible’………. I must hasten to add, the latter for aesthetic reasons more than religious. I just love historic fiction and am yet to come about a more wonderfully articulated book than the Bible.
I am sure you are quite lost by now. I can hear you wondering where I am taking you with this…….. may be wondering why on earth you are reading this at all.
I wonder much more than you. Why am I writing this at all? In my hierarchy of mysteries this ranges quite up there with creation of universe and existence of extraterrestrials. I, who think that sleeping and eating are the best vocations to be fulfilled on weekends free from corporate drudgery, am actually putting down these completely unstructured and incoherent ramblings on a paper; using a ball point pen to boot.
(I have this ridiculous habit of writing down something in paper before I start whacking away on a keyboard. I know it is an absolute waste of time and energy and have absolutely no idea why I do that. My best guess is that it is just to have the slightly twisted pleasure of deciphering my completely illegible handwriting.)
That reminds me of something I believe you guys should know. All characteristics of a person are genetically transmitted. Even the ones acquired by their immediate genetic predecessors…..i.e. parents; my handwriting being a case in point. Both my parents happen to be doctors and typical of the species, have totally incomprehensible hand scripts. All their children, me included, have acquired the curse. I even remember proudly and loudly proclaiming my hypothesis through a haze of tears while getting rapped quite harshly on my knuckles (with a ruler I think………. not those flimsy plastic ones but a hefty wooden one) by a school teacher whose name I now can’t remember. I mean ……………….. come on………, a kid can hardly be blamed for his genes.
Anyway, let us return to my ruminations on why I do this seemingly wasteful activity of penning down these thoughts (To reiterate, I’m really penning this down……… not typing).
Just a few paragraphs earlier I told you that I don’t know why I write. Right now I’m more in a confused state, which is a huge step forward as far as I am concerned. For me, being confused is a natural state of being (no pun intended). It is a frame of mind I am most comfortable in.
Many people, over the years have told me that I have no sense of purpose or direction; I take forever to make up my mind and that I am the laziest bum that they have ever seen.
Well, they are wrong. I don’t take forever to make up mind………….. I never do.
Sure, I do take decisions……… we have to…….. Right??
It is part of the inescapable realities of life. We have to take decisions, one way or the other. We have to at least take the decision to let things continue the way they are. There really is no escaping that.
But fact remains that making up your mind is really not important to take any decision. In my case, even when I decide to do something or even while doing something, I have these two voices debating out the pros and cons in full earnest, in a very active corner of my mind. (The action involved really does not need to be something profound. It can be as simple as shopping for a new set of underwear.)
One of those bulleted points I have mentioned in my resume under my ‘Strengths’ column is:
- The ability to see both sides of the coin and make the best possible decision under any given circumstances.
Like all executive CVs, it is part fact, part fiction.
The first part about seeing both sides of the coin really is true. I am yet to come across another person who understands the ‘other’ side of the argument better than me.
The sad thing is that the truth also extends to becoming the exact opposite of the second part about taking the very ‘best’ decisions under any given circumstances.
In any mundane matter, I see both the sides so clearly that an all out verbal war ensues in my mind. Those two voices start arguing about the best course of action and the debate continues ad infinitum.
Usually I end up realizing that both voices are right……… and that there really is no right course of action to be pursued at any point of time, that there are only possibilities and the probabilities for the occurrence of those possibilities.
At least those MBA kinds among us must still remember ‘Game Theory’, and the rest of us will at least remember Russell Crowe as John Nash in ‘A Beautiful Mind’.
Let us just cut a long story short and just say that Game Theory offered some explanations for my conundrum.
The key idea in game theory is that in any given situation i.e. ‘game’, things tend to move to a natural equilibrium, where the benefits or ‘payoffs’ will be the maximum for all the parties or ‘players’ involved.
The only argument I have is that, then what about the invisible player?
If the ‘game’ (using jargon usually makes you feel knowledgeable, in spite of all arguments to the contrary……… and like any normal human I enjoy the feeling) is mutually beneficial to the visible parties, it is my belief that there will be one / many invisible third party to whom there will be negative payoffs exactly equal to the benefits accrued to the beneficiaries.
As you can see, I believe that someone will always be the sucker. At the end of the day, the world works on the principle of zero sum games. If somebody benefits, someone has to lose. It is as simple as that.
I am the kind who would rather just let things be. Nature any way is unjust; why bring our own prejudices into the picture and alter the way the dice rolls?
So, as you correctly estimate, I am an eternally confused soul and I revel in being that.
Now, do these pages mean something? Does it satisfy your curiosity as to why I am writing this?
I am quite sure you still don’t have a clue.
But, then again, I never intended for you to ………
Like all the questions I have been asking myself, I will leave this one too unanswered.
By the way, I am Denny George, a banker by the day and a loudly snoring sleeper by the night.
This is what my profile page on any social networking website would look like.
Personal
Name : Denny George#1
Age : 26
Religion : No Answer #2
Sex : Male
Height : 5”8
Build : Slim #3
Skin Color : Fair #4
Hair : Black
Eyes : Black
Looks : Mirror cracking material
Body art : Does a Moustache count?
City : Kottayam, Kochi #5
Country of Residence : India
Social
About Me : Not the slightest clue
Here for : Business Networking, Social Networking, Dating Sexual Orientation : Straight
Marital status : Single and looking#6
Hobbies : Outdoor Enthusiast #7
Sports : Swimming #8
Turn-ons : Candle light, Public Display of Affection #9
Turn – offs : Body Odor
Smoking : Quit #10
Drinking : Socially #11
Professional
Highest Educational Qualification : Post Graduate Degree (MBA)
Current Employer : No Answer #12
Position : Relationship Manager
Industry : Banking #13
Footnotes
#1-Like any good Roman Catholic Syrian Christian(RCSC) boy, my orignal name was four words long. My10th standard teacher somehow considered this to be too much information to decipher and my Secondary School Leaving Certificate just had two words. OK........ the full name was Denny George Joseph Thekkaniyil.
#2 – I am a baptised RCSC , but lets just say that I have my own convictions. I thought of filling the column up as agnostic, but then the vision of my endless army of cousins constantly prowling social networking sites came to my mind and I dropped the idea as swiftly as it had occurred to me.
#3 – Ok….... except for the slight bulge around the middle. Hey, some girls have told me it looked cute......... in retrospect, it might have been their sweet way of asking me to get in shape
#4 – I just went with the convention here. Not knowing what your skin tone is not a crime after all.
#5 – I live in Kottayam but work in Kochi which is about 2 hrs away by train. (I have always believed in measuring distance using a measure of time as long as the mode of transport is also mentioned)
#6 – Once up on a time, I used to be just single. But my aforementioned army of cousins opened my eyes to the possibility of online match making and forced my hand. As my friends and relatives insist, I am very much the commodity in demand in the bazillion Rupee Malayali Christian Marriage Market. Some of you must be still harboring romantic notions on the idea of marriage. But me being the sensible banker that I am, have long come to the conclusion that given the scope and size of economic activity involved in all forms of weddings; so called arranged marriages, love marriages and the newest breed, arranged love marriages; that these are essentially exercises in pluses and minuses…… of buyers and sellers surpluses and shortfalls , leading inevitably to another zero sum game where some one is necessarily being played for the sucker. Don’t believe me………just ask any newly wed people.
#7 – Code word for getting lost in drunken stupor.
#8 – I needed to fill up the column. At least this was something I used to do………and not so long back.
#9 – Which essentially means I am a closet exhibitionist who would some day love to do it in public.
#10 – I still smoke, but given that it is not the in thing any more, why put it up here for the world to see and object to?
#11 – Weekend booze extravaganzas are not really the same as social drinking……… but still……..
#12 – I never mention my company name on any public forum…………except for my CV perhaps, where I have no other option.
#13 – Banking does sound like a cool profession. ‘Cool’ translating to’ WOW!’………… he should make a helluva lot of money; though we insiders know better
As you can clearly see, I am a guy who comes with a lot of ifs and buts………. and quite a lot of footnotes. So, that’s it about me.
